Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
1. Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental
rug, shag is good.
2. Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several other things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito
season.
3. Guests:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on
that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Glop
on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example:
white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
When walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to
look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey
"But you allow me on the table when company is not here."
For a guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready
with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick
nip on the ankle.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything, just sit and stare.
4. Work:
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise
known as hampering.
Following are rules for hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on, picked up and consoled.
For book readers, get in close under chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and
pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting
needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split
yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball
of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
5. Play:
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are
fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their
bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running
household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught
if you start early and are consistent.
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