Open Letter to My Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the
way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats
sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn
the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the
door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition,
I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a
simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front
door:
Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about
our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you its an animal. To me s/he is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.
Be a Foster Parent
Fun, Funny & Funnier
How Can You Help?
